Reconciliation: Amy on Postpartum Depression

Kathleen:
I’ve never read your “hello” before. Thanks for your honesty about your postpartum depression and your recovery. Just so you know that you are in good company (she writes with a hint of sarcasm) I want to tell you about how sad and guilty I was after Jake was born.

I had suffered from depression for years when I got pregnant. I stopped the antidepressant I was taking and tried to be happy – just by sheer will. It didn’t work. For some unknown reason, after he was born, I didn’t go back on my medication (although I did remain in therapy) and was miserable. I felt guilty. How could I be miserable with such a gift? A healthy beautiful child. Spiral downwards. Marriage collapse. Fast forward three years. Now I realize I need the medication and the sun begins to peek out from behind the clouds. I manage to stop being angry at my now ex-husband and we become friends and effectively co-parent our boy. I begin a new relationship with an old flame and move forward. I never again go off of my medication. Fast forward again six years this time. We are married and for the first time, maybe ever, I have the confidence that I could have another child and might not fall apart again. So we do. My first son is now nine and this time is different. I stay on the meds during pregnancy and I have another beautiful boy. This time breastfeeding is a breeze and staying home with my baby is a joy. Times are tough and my marriage is a struggle. The baby is sixteen months old and I’m not depressed. I’m amazed by it every day. I’m not always happy and I certainly have my issues… but I’m not depressed. I don’t (usually) burst into tears or uncontrollable rages in the shower. I’ve reconciled the idea that my chemistry needs tweeking.

Perhaps my coffee was too strong this morning and I should have stopped sixteen sentences ago. I hope it’s okay. I felt such shame while I was going through it that I wanted to commend you for your ability to lay it out plainly as you did. Thanks for listening.

This piece originally appeared as a comment on Hello.