Remembering Bumpa: Erica on Loss

My beloved grandfather, Bumpa died 10 years ago this past Friday, March 6th. I was reminded of this when my uncle Tad sent an email with a picture of him when Bumpa was young and healthy. I couldn’t believe it had been ten years since I lost my grandfather and for a minute I couldn’t remember the sound of his voice. I sobbed. I missed him, missed his voice and his role in my life, and felt scared that I do not miss him the way I feel I should. He was so important to me, and yet, ten years later, I do not think of him very frequently and I certainly don’t mourn. I know this is right and I know this is OK and yet, it doesn’t feel right and it doesn’t feel OK on the tenth anniversary of his death.

My cousin, Mallory, gave birth to what is my grandfather’s fourth great grandchild on friday, the anniversary of his death. His third great grandchild was born on Saturday, March 7th. My aunt, Mallory’s mom, feels that it would be so like my grandfather to do something special like that… to bring birthdays into our lives on the day we would tend to mourn his loss.

I cried a lot on Friday, I cried a little and couldn’t focus on Saturday–but we went out and had a family outing in Portland on Saturday afternoon. It was a very spring like day and we got ice cream. For a bit I questioned if it was appropriate to let myself feel joy when I knew I was missing my Bumpa… But, I knew that what he would want most is for his children, his grandchildren, and his great children to live their lives to the fullest. To be joyful and present here and now.

This piece originally appeared as a comment on Farewell, and Welcome Home.